Dedicated to all the #mothers

©️Dr. Aparna Govil Bhasker

In a city like Mumbai, most people live in nuclear families, and many a times, children have no option but to tag along with their parents even during medical consultations. Some people feel a tad awkward about getting children with them and leave them with caretakers. However, if responsible caretakers are not available, I wouldn’t refrain from saying that children can also be a barrier to seeking timely healthcare, especially when it comes to women’s health.

A few days back, we treated a lady for a breast abscess, and she had to come in for frequent dressings. Every day, she would bring her three years old daughter along with her. The daughter would just not leave the mother and cling to her all the time. She would refuse to sit outside in the waiting area and insisted on being inside the dressing room with her mother. On being denied, she would start crying inconsolably, and absolutely nothing would comfort her. Being a mother myself, I presumed that as the child was so small, she may have some degree of separation anxiety and wanted to be with the mother all the time. Hence, much to the chagrin of the staff at the hospital, I requested them to allow her to be with her mother during the dressing. This went on for almost 10 days….. It was the same story every day. Mother and daughter would come together, and while I did the dressing, the little girl would sit quietly on a chair inside the dressing room. On the last day, I asked the mother if the little girl was so clingy at home too. She just smiled and said that though she lived in a joint family, no one accompanied her for the hospital visits. The husband had to be at work, and the others were busy with their own lives.

Her three years old daughter came with her every day because no one else came. She didn’t want her mother to come alone to the hospital. That was her way of supporting her mother. By being on her side…. All through…..

It set me thinking about how mistaken I was in my thought process. This little human was not a barrier for her mother’s treatment. She was, in fact, the enabler. Any surgery, however small, is a big deal for a patient. One needs physical, mental, and emotional support, and all these go a long way in the healing process. At the tender age of three, she understood this well and, in her own sweet way, supported her mother by being there for her.

May is the month of the “mother”. I am a mother myself, and honestly, many times, it can get a little overwhelming to manage a kid, family, home, and work together. As a mother, I think of myself as the doer who is not allowed to be vulnerable. I believe that it is my job to take care of the needs of my child, my family, and my patients. I feel that all of them look up to me, and meeting these expectations is an unquestionable and integral part of life.

However, this episode set me thinking about all the times when my child tries to support me through difficult times in his own innocent ways. If I complain of a headache, he brings slices of cucumber and puts them on my eyes. If I look tired, he brings me a glass of water. If I look stressed, he asks me if everything is okay at the hospital.

Children try to comfort us in their own sweet way, and it is up to us to allow them to help us and accept their help. Mother’s Day is not meant to make us sit on an unreachable pedestal. Some degree of vulnerability can make mothers a little more human. Be vulnerable, and next time when your child offers you help, do accept it. It will definitely make your journey a lot easier and bring a smile to your face.

©️Dr. Aparna Govil Bhasker

Mumbai locals…. Rightly known as the lifeline of this city of dreams. Mumbai will not be Mumbai, if it were not for its local train network. For some, it’s a necessity and for others more privileged, it’s a choice. But no one can challenge the fact, that in this bustling city which is forever bursting at its seams, it is the fastest way to commute from one part of the city to another.

I take the train off and on to work. Especially on days when I am running behind schedule (which is quite often ?), it helps me to make up on the lost time. It also helps me to relax mentally and catch up on my reading, thanks to all the wonderful apps on my phone. Many a times, I just sit by the window-side and observe all the hustle and bustle around me. It’s true that every train has a life of its own. Most fellow passengers are usually immersed in their phones and many a times, I catch people smiling to themselves or letting out a small laugh. Despite being as public as transport can get, Mumbai locals can sometimes also be the most private place to shed a tear or two. In Mumbai, space may be lacking in the literal sense, but people do know when to give you space.

Mumbai locals are also busy centres for business. Especially the ladies’ compartments. Everything that can make a working woman’s life better, is available on the train. There are women selling all kinds of things, from cut vegetables to kitchen-ware to innerwear! The other day, a middle-aged lady walked in with two huge bags full of Indian Kurtas for women. Very neat, decent quality and most importantly reasonably priced. No wonder she was an instant hit. There is no better delight for a woman than shopping for new clothes and especially if they are economically priced. In no time, the mundane phones went inside the bags and there was a kurta in almost everyone’s hand. Some were marvelling at the designs, the others bargaining for a better price, some in a tearing hurry as they had to get down at the next station. Almost everyone bought something and when it was time to pay, this lady who was selling the clothes just gave them her phone number and asked them to pay through their Google pay accounts whenever they could. Almost half of the ladies got off at the next station with their latest purchase. Some of them had paid and some hadn’t yet. They all had her number.

I was watching as a bystander this whole time. After the train started moving, I couldn’t resist asking her if any of her customers defaulted on paying her. I was pleasantly surprised when she said that never has, she been cheated of her money. She sells to strangers on a new train every day. She lets them take the goods and trusts that they will make the payment eventually and invariably, by the end of the day, her books are in a good shape. While I did understand that it was a good marketing strategy, but it also came with a risk. The risk of being cheated and her trust being broken. For the last three days I cannot stop thinking about my conversation with her. This lady who had nothing much in the name of savings, who sold cheap clothes out of a plastic bag, on a local train, to make a living, made a conscious choice to “trust” people.

It is sad that today, trusting people is considered as a character trait that needs a trimming. Trusting others is considered foolhardy and naïve. We all want others to trust us but we find it difficult to return the favour. As a doctor, I know the value of trust. The most serious of ailments can be cured if the patient trusts the doctor. Lack of trust today is the biggest issue not only in healthcare but in every stratum of life. It makes us insecure, edgy and self-centred. Sadly, we teach our children the same things.

Trust is the most essential part of every relationship. We need to trust people to be able to sustain the most basic necessities in life. We trust that the food we eat, will lead to good health, we trust that houses we stay in will protect us from harm, we trust that the air we breathe in, will keep us alive. Most importantly, we need to trust people around us. Believe it or not, given a chance, majority proves to be trustworthy. If only we started with trusting just one more person every day, this world would be a better place and we would all feel more free.

To live, is to trust. And it is a choice, just like the one made by the cloth seller on the train!

©️Dr. Aparna Govil Bhasker

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